Why I chose “Sexuality” as my area of work?

I was lost. There was no career path that felt completely sold to me. I had already finished a Masters program in Internatioinal Relations and it felt like this was as far as my life trajectory could have taken me. I had to make a decision about “who I want to become” as a grown up. Intrested in languages, intrested in cultures, I had intended to do a program in Transcultural Studies from Heidelberg University, which I visited as an exchange student in 2011. And then my career counsellor suggested me to broaden the scope for more opportunities. She also said that the reason I felt so indecisive was because as I set out small achievable goals for myself and accomplished them, I could trust and believe to indulg ein bigger goals. So in a way I think I was becoming a visionary. 

When I returned from London, after a year of not just being an enthusiastic learner of foreign affairs, but also a maxed out traveller who had scoped atleast 40% of UK in that single year, and having interned at the high Commission of india in London, I still felt as unachored in my career as ever. The idea of becoming a diplomat was fancy, fameful, and definitely convinced the family on why I had to get an education abroad. 

What was worse is that I realised that finding a job was a whole other skill that I had not even begun to learn. I spent 10 months looking for opportunities to at least get a paid internship back in India. Applications were sent to internships, fellowships, random jobs and that’s when I lucked upon a fellowship that invited us to envision a romantic and adventurous life in rural India for 13 months - it would give me time to chill, get away from Delhi and figure out next steps after a year. I decided to take it as a gap year, justifying it by saying that I needed to understand the country better from the grassroots so that I am able to become a better diplomat! 

That year was life-altering, transitioning, enlightening and all kinds of awakening words could fit here to describe how I really felt like I had been living under a rock all my life before this. Once back to Delhi after 13 months, everything felt tasteless and meaningless. How could we spend so much money on services like househelp, drivers and live in such luxury when just a block away families live who struggle to get real food on the plate! How could people working in think tanks - read and write about the needs of the country for a global representation, when the majority of the population can’t even read / write the name of this country we apparently belong to?

In the first 21 days of this fellowship - the India Fellow Social Leadership Program - we were inducted into the program with a lot of core training. Before being sent to host NGOs working int he remote rural locations, we weren’t asked our preferences. I never the less suggested to our mentor to not pair me with any organisation that works with the cause of “Gender”. It felt to personal and challenging for me, I had a history of feeling frustrated at my family for not giving me Swaraj, complete autonomy and freedom in my life, and I blamed my gender, I blamed my sex and sexuality too. 

I had indulged with topics and activities of sexuality as early as an 8 year old. Then it felt more like child’s play that something that adults would indulge in. And I felt embarrassed and ashamed as I grew older that I allowed myself to explore sexually as a child. Even today I often go back to a harmful narrative - I’m too frivolous, playful or exploratory for my own good! I end up engaging in activities that are illegal, or socially unacceptable for some thrill that makes me bad person. And so to tackle with this narrative, I may work too hard to prove myself as worthy of being taken seriously!

One of the values the India Fellow program introduced to us - and is sinking in today in me after 7 years - is committing to a cause. I started out being paired with an NGO, Aavishkaar, that was working on STEM education using alternative and interactive tools, and landed into a girls hostel in Danapur, Bihar speaking to adolescents about same-sex relationships! They asked me so many questions about menstruation, relationships, love and marriage that I had no other way but to educate myself in these topics I myself had no formal education in. At Aavishkaar it had been revealed to me that curiosity drives education, and last year when I did a Diploma in Experiential Education and Practice (DEEP) from ELI, Pune, I realised that my own curiosity in sexuality is what drives my education and now my committment to working in this field. 

I can’t begin to define how challenging the field of sexuality education has been for me. I have had to unravel my own sexuality and even after 6 years of practice I am still excavating only the tip of my iceberg. This is such a vast area of study that I always end up feeling unprepared and lack of when I conduct workshops. I can never know enough. Luckily knowing it all is not my job - it is to become a person who is open-minded, non-judgemental, wildly-authentic and vulnerable enough, to be able to co-create safe spaces for everyone’s deviant sexualities.